“I don’t” has more impact than “I can’t.”
I first came across the research behind the difference between “I can’t” vs. “I don’t” while reading The Motivation Myth by Jeff Haden (but the research has also been discussed on Forbes). Backed with the scientific studies, Haden explains,
Stop saying “can’t” and start saying “don’t.” It works. Science says so. Researchers conducted a study: One group was given a simple temptation and told to say, in the face of that temptation, “I can’t do (that).” The other group was told to say, “I don’t do (that).” What happened? Participants told to say “I can’t” gave in to the temptation 61 percent of the time. Participants told to say “I don’t” gave in to the temptation 36 percent of the time. (Jeff Haden, The Motivation Myth, 91).
In this first study, “I don’t” was found nearly twice as effective as “I can’t.”. But the research becomes even more convincing, as Haden continues,
The same researchers conducted a further experiment: Participants were told to set a personal long term health and wellness goal…One group was told to say, “I can’t miss my workout.” Another group was told to say, “I don’t miss my workouts.” (The control group was not given a temptation avoidance strategy.) Ten days later the researchers found: Three out of ten control group members stuck to their goal. One out of ten “I can’t” group members stuck to their goal. Eight out of ten “I don’t” group members stuck to their goal…Why? According to the researchers, “The refusal frame ‘I don’t’ is more persuasive than the refusal frame ‘I can’t’ because the former connotes conviction to a higher degree.” (91-92).
Only 10 percent succeeded in not giving into the temptation when using the rationale “I can’t,” while 80 percent of people triumphed when they said “I don’t.”
Apparently a massive difference exists between can’t and don’t. One simple contraction.
Haden concludes, “’I don’t’ sounds like a brick wall because it comes from deep inside you. It’s part of your identity. It’s who you are” (92).
Rooted In Identity
The researchers of these “I can’t” versus “I don’t” studies have probed into something foundational about who we are created by God. As the cliché says: we aren’t human doings, we are human beings. We have identities, define ourselves, and see ourselves a certain way—and this has a profound impact on how we live.
“I can’t” is not nearly as powerful as the rationale “I don’t” because it’s a mere restriction. When we say “I can’t,” we don’t dive into our identity. We instead imagine ourselves confined. “I can’t” implies if we had our choice, we would give in.
“I don’t,” on the other hand, directs us to our identity—to who we are. “I can’t” is a restriction on us. “I don’t” is a conviction about us. A temptation arises and we say, “I don’t do that, because that’s not who I am.” We aren’t restricted as in “I can’t.” We’re free—free because of who we are, because of how we define ourselves, because of our rock-solid identity.
Chosen “In Christ”
God made you and I to work this way, and he did it for a specific Christ-glorifying purpose. Before the foundation of the world, God chose certain people to be saved and obtain a rock-solid, life-altering new identity: to be in Christ. The Bible says, “God chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him” (Ephesians 1:4). Before sin even existed, God chose individual Christians to have their identity in Christ, and this identity was to exist not only that we should be saved from sin, but also “that we should be holy and blameless before him”—that our identity in him would lead us to live holy lives.
And this identity in Christ is now true for all those who trust Christ. The greatest God-given identity we have is to be “in Christ.” We are saved in him, alive in him, loved because we’re related to him, going to glory because we’ll be with him (Colossians 3:1-4). We belong to him. We’re identified with Jesus. We’re in Jesus.
It’s Not Who I Am in Christ
It’s then from this rock-solid identity that we obey. From here alone we follow God’s loving “dos” and “don’ts.” We see ourselves as, above all else, in Christ. We know we belong to Jesus and are connected to Jesus. We see our past, present, and future as defined by him. He chose us, knows us, loves us, and will be with us forever. And because of this, when a situation arises that tempts us to act out of step with our identity in Christ, our response is not “I can’t.” It’s “I’m in Christ—I don’t.” We happily define ourselves as those who “put to death” earthly actions (Colossians 3:5), who don’t do certain things, but not just because they’re “wrong,” but because that’s not who we are, because we’re in Christ.
For us Christians, our identity is no longer wrapped up in our self-fulfillment, or earthly pleasure; we’re part of something way greater. Our identity is wrapped up in Christ—in his gospel which has saved us, in his love for us, and in the future of glory we’ll have with him forever. So, when a temptation arises, we can say with conviction, “I don’t. That’s not who I am in Christ.”
This is why “I don’t” is more powerful than “I can’t.” It reaches back to who God made us to be—even back to “before the foundation of the world”—and touches on how God designed us to operate. He made us to be identity-focused people, to have that identity-focus culminate in being in Christ, and then to act out of how this defines us.
“I Don’t” for God’s Glory
So, this is how God designed us, and our obedience is affected by “I can’t” vs. “I don’t.” But even greater, God’s glory is at stake in this difference.
How would a spouse feel if they found out that you told a seducer that you can’t sleep with them because you’re married? We do similarly when we deny temptation with “I can’t.” There’s little glory given to God in “I can’t.”
But “I don’t” supremely honors God. It brings him glory when we hold our identity in Christ to be of superior importance and surpassing value. Instead of “I can’t,” “I don’t” denies the seducer by declaring, “No way. I’m married and I love my wife.” We deny temptation not because we can’t but because we don’t. It’s not who we are: we’re in Christ and he’s of surpassing worth (Philippians 3:8).
Focus On Who You Are In Christ
In striving after holiness, then, let’s focus on who we are in Christ. Let’s fight with “I don’t” rather than “I can’t.” We were made to so exalt the surpassing value of our identity in Christ.
And when we do, God will be glorified as we’ll live according to who he chose us to be in Christ before the foundation of the world.
